ACT 2 SCENE 1
Dandy’s Bar: Mid day, cool jazz music is playing at the back ground on a low tone, some Bar Staff are sitting and sleeping on the Tables, Akpan is busy moving to and fro with a mop stick in his hand. Dandy is relaxing with a bottle of Chilled Heineken lager as he reads from a chapter of Mario Puzo’s ‘The Godfather’.
Enters Ogiri, a.k.a Lanky, he strolls in looking for some one, eventually he finds Dandy. He stands by the door smiling down at Dandy until Dandy looks up from his book.
Dandy: (Jumps up happily) old boy! Longest time! (They hug) whither now? Lanky! Lanky! (Looks him up and down) look at you! In fact, I don’t what to say!
Lanky: Guy! Don’t just say anything yet! Just take me as you see me (They both sit down) Guy! Your Man dey roast baad!
Dandy: ehen! I for say nah! I wanted to ask if all is well with you but I did not want to pre-empt your condition, which was why I said I didn’t know what to say when you came in (calls out Akpan)
So what’s up with you? Na wetin dey happen? He don tey o! You just disappear like smoke only to reappear with complaints of roasting! (Akpan appears) Akpan get a bottle of Star lager for my Friend! (Akpan dashes off)
Lanky: Old boy! Old boy! Come back! Forget the beer thing first I beg! (Akpan runs off)
Dandy: why? Don’t you drink any longer?
Lanky: to drink beer into an empty stomach is a dangerous game! It could be counter productive!
Dandy: oh! You never chop?
Lanky: I never chop!
Dandy: shuo! Okay, no wahala nah! Dem go arrange food for you! You no be stranger for here. So how is your family nah? Madam and the Kids?
Lanky: That is my problem now Dandy! Madam is my major head ache now!
Dandy: How do you mean?
Lanky: Dan! I have been out of Job since January, immediately we completed the Elekahia road project, our Company had no other job on ground so we were all paid off pending when another contract will be awarded. But so far no project is forth coming due to the campaigns and election postponements going on in the Country. Until a new Government is installed, no Contract is being awarded to ant Company.
Dandy: yes! Yes! Na so e dey be nah!
Lanky: good! I have been hoping something would turn up to no avail; I have spent up all my savings! My Wife has practically become the bread winner from the proceeds of her Shop at Rumuola.
Dandy: The Shop you opened for her sometimes last year?
Lanky: God bless you! That is the Shop! I was paid my housing allowance up front to the tune of 2.5 million naira! I invested all of it in her Shop! I eventually spent over three million naira for the rental, renovation and stocking of the Shop! I further collected a soft loan from the cooperative society and bought her a Toyota Hi-ace Panel Van to assist with the Business; I then bought her a Corolla for her personal use. Guy! I no try reach?
Dandy: You try pass! You try pass! I remember telling you it was the wisest thing to do! Once you equip your Wife, it takes a whole lot of load off your neck!
Lanky: Fa fa fa Fao!
Dandy: Why do you say so?
Lanky: my case is different! It was the most foolish thing I did in my life! Only if I had known that Tombra would turn around and betray my trust in her, my condition would not have been this bad! Can you imagine that I have fallen so low that my Wife came back from her Shop last night and challenged me foe taking a piece of meat from the soup?
Dandy: what? (Drinks straight from the bottle) wetin you talk again? I no hear you well!
Lanky: I prepared white rice to eat in the evening, I scooped and warmed a little stew from the one she keeps in the freezer and naturally I took a piece of meat instead of my normal two pieces when the going was good. My Wife returned home just as I was doing the dishes and she went straight to the freezer, she asked if I had eaten, I said yes! I said I prepared Rice and Stew! She asked if I took meat and I answered that I took just a piece since we are managing! My Guy, she told me the story of my life! She insulted and embarrassed me in the presence of my Children! Dandy! I went and locked my self in the toilet and cried like the fool I am! I slept off in the toilet that night for fear of coming out to face her wrath again.
Dandy: (Surprise) over a piece of meat? Your Wife? A whole you? Haba! Hey! Where is this Stupid boy? Akpan! (Akpan appears with the bottle of Star Lager and a glass cup)
Akpan: Oga no vex! I bin dey wash the Tumbler!
Dandy: shut up your mouth liar! Which Tumbler you dey wash for afternoon? All the ones you people washed in the morning, who has used them? Stupid forgetful boy!
Akpan: Oga no vex sir! (Drops the beer and proceeds to open it)
Dandy: If you open that beer, I will open your ear with a slap! Mumu! Is that how you open beer for Customers? Are you not supposed to get his consent to open it?
Akpan: oh! Oga sorry sir! Make I open am?
Dandy: mumu! No open am yet! Go and tell them at the kitchen to hurriedly prepare a plate of Fufu with native soup and Cow leg, tell them say na for V.I.P o!
Akpan: Okay sir! Make dem prepare Akpu with ogbono soup and V.I.P goat head for you?
Lanky: (Bursts out laughing)
Dandy: (Excuses himself) Lanky I dey come I beg, make I place the order my self! (He pushes Akpan out of the way) gerrout from here! (He returns few minutes later, Lanky was flipping through his novel)
Lanky: Oh you are back! I have seen the movie of this book! Never knew it has a book!
Dandy: yeah! The book was actually adapted into the movie, you need to read the book, and it is much more detailed than the movie. So! Back to you! What are your plans now?
Lanky: my Guy, I do not have any plans other than to continue scouting for a Job. The Wife I normally would have planned with has become a complete Stranger simply because she makes more money than me now! Come! If i tell you say for five months now I never touch woman, you go believe?
Dandy: haba nah! Wetin be dis nah? Which kain talk be dis nah? A whole you? Your Wife nko?
Lanky: My brother! My liver dey fail me to ask her o! Every night when she returns from her Shop, it is complaint of one body ache or the other! And I know those are just excuses to give me the red signal so I normally keep my space. The last time I made an attempt and touched her in the middle of the night do you know what she did?
Dandy: you tell me!
Lanky: (Shakes head sadly) That was five months ago that I made an advance at her, my Wife wakes up abruptly and switched on the lights, she looked at me in the eyes coldly and said ‘wetin dey worry you’? I asked her ‘how’? She asked ‘na wetin you wan do? Na why you dey touch my body? I asked her ‘how’? She then said’ Mr. Man! If you do any how, you go see any how this night o’! (Dandy interrupts rolling on the floor in laughter) Old boy! I no fit talk! I just open mouth dey look her until she turned back to sleep! I simply carried a pillow and went to the sitting room to sleep.
Dandy: wait! Wait! Lanky! I beg no talk again (reeling with laughter) no vex o!
Lanky: Old Boy! Why you dey laugh nah? This thing no be laughing matter o!
Dandy: wait lanky! (Suppressing laughter) but why you no fit tell her the thing wey you want do? Which one e ‘how’? ‘How’? wey you dey ask her? No be your wife?
Lanky: Guy i was shocked! The look on her face was like that of an angry Lion! She has never acted that way before. Normally once I touch my wife for action, na carry go nah!
(A neatly dressed waitress brings a Tray of food, Fufu, native soup with Cow leg. As she sets the food before Lanky, Lanky wash his hands and immediately descended on the food even as the waitress was still setting the dishes)
Dandy: Old boy take am easy! No body they share the food with you! (Waitress leaves laughing)
Lanky: True? (Relaxes) old boy he don tey wey I eat correct meal like this o! I don drink Garri so tey I dey smell like Cassava! (He opens the bottle of star with his teeth and gulps from the bottle) agh! Chai! Star na correct beer o! See as he sweet like, like em (Dandy Interrupts)
Dandy: Lanky! Wetin dey worry you?
Lanky: Old boy (Mouth full) no vex! I don dey mis- yarn abi?
Dandy: yes nah! Which time Star begin to dey sweet?
Lanky: you know say he don tey wey I drink beer nah! I don almost forget the taste! But this chilled beer wey dey my front so, he sweet! (He gulps some more)
Dandy: see as you dey disgrace your self in front of my Waitress!
Dandy: oh! How? You still dey ask how abi? Na so your wife asks you simple question you dey reply her with ‘how’? ‘How’?
(Both Men laughs till FADE)